WASHINGTON, D.C. - Nancy Pelosi held a press conference outside the Capitol Building today where she clarified previous statements that walls don't work and are racist, announcing that walls are now extremely effective and are not racist at all.

"Walls work and are not racist in any way, now that we are using them to protect ourselves from the people," she said. "They are racist when you use them to control the flow of illegal immigration, drug smuggling, and human trafficking into our country, of course. But when we use them to protect politicians, they are an extremely effective tool for keeping the masses out."

"Walls are now important American institutions of love and equality." She then motioned for her armed guards to whisk her back inside the safety of the tall fence.

At publishing time, Pelosi had proposed moving the capital city to a more defensible location, like, say, the Rocky Mountains, building a permanent wall around it, and dividing the rest of the nation into thirteen districts.