ARLINGTON, VA — In response to mounting pressure from various stakeholders, the Public Broadcasting Service (PBS) announced the immediate discontinuation of its Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) policies. As part of this restructuring, Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie are now straight.
"We see the way the tide is turning," said Jennifer Peebs, head of PBS. "That's why I'm proud to announce that Bert and Ernie are straight and, uh, always have been."
Bert and Ernie are an iconic gay muppet couple who appeared on the very first episode of Sesame Street in 1969. However, as part of its commitment to ending the appearance of DEI policies, PBS announced Bert and Ernie were straight the whole time and that Bert is more popular with the ladies than you might think.
"Ernie is in a state of perpetual adolescence as a means of connecting with children, but Bert is a ladies man and always has been," a PBS spokesperson said. "We just never show him with all the ladies because this is a children's show. Get your minds out of the gutter."
In addition to Bert and Ernie being officially confirmed as straight, PBS also announced they would be removing Kami, the HIV-positive muppet, and Julia, a muppet with autism, from the program.
At publishing time, PBS announced it would also make Sesame Street entertaining again.
Meet Devyn. The 16-year-old Chick-fil-A worker who has replaced the entire government.
