VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—After reading the news of Michael Cohen’s disclosure that President Trump paid for the silence of various women he’s alleged to have had affairs with, televangelist Pat Robertson spent the majority of Wednesday morning furiously searching the book of Revelation for any mention of the occurrence.
Robertson laid out several commentaries and dusted off his personal Bible to begin his perusal of all the Scriptural prophetic texts, determined to find where “the anointed one, Donald Trump” is implicated in a campaign finance scandal.
“It’s gotta be in here somewhere,” he muttered. “Maybe the harlots mentioned here are the women he paid off? Ugh, no, that’d make Trump the beast, and I already know Obama’s the beast. Maybe it’s in the book of Daniel.” He then looked through all of the prophetic texts in Daniel, but found no mentions of President Trump, despite his best efforts to wedge his support for the president into the text in any way possible.
At publishing time, the television preacher had decided that King David’s affair with Bathsheba was a “type of Trump,” providing readers with a glimpse of God’s chosen President’s illicit activities.