Pastor's Popularity Skyrockets After Church Installs 'Skip Intro' Option
Church · Apr 4, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

GALVESTON, TX — Pastor Chad Broderson's popularity at Legacy Bible Church has skyrocketed after the buildings and grounds committee finally installed a long awaited "Skip Intro" option to the back of the pews. This option will, when tapped on the screen, skip past the usual pleasantries and long-winded introduction to the sermon and get right to the basic point.

"When attendees used to get bored with all of Chad's personal stories and irrelevant anecdotes that he repeated each week, they would just loudly yell ‘SKIP!' and hope Pastor Chad heard them," said Gary, a long-time deacon at the 4,500-seat megachurch. "But it's a big room and sometimes Chad wouldn't always hear the people begging him to skip past all this boring stuff."

The new Skip Intro button works electronically now that Chad has installed a Neuralink A.I. chip on his brain that interacts directly with the system. With a simple tap of a screen, his brain immediately jumps ahead to the part that everyone's waiting for where he just reads the Bible and talks about what the Bible says.

"Hey everyone, welcome, welcome!" enthused Chad as he began his sermon. "We're so glad you're here. If you're visiting with us today, we just want you to kick back, relax, feel right at — "

Click-click. The option could be heard audibly being selected in the 7th row.

"Okay turn in your bibles to Romans chapter 9, please. I'll begin reading at verse 6 and we will read through to verse 33."

"Oh man, this is so much better," said Mark who regularly attends and sits in row 7. "He used to spend so much time welcoming visitors, talking about his kid's latest baseball game, gauging the interest of the crowd in the latest show he just started streaming. You know, just nonsense that would take forever."

Pastor Chad's popularity rating has surged 37 points in recent weeks after the Skip Intro feature was released.

At publishing time, attendees at Legacy Bible Church reported that they were much less bored and that the average service times were running 15-20 minutes shorter.

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