HUNTSVILLE, AL — A local man attempted to reason with his physician today, explaining to the concerned doctor that his obesity was the result of his pledge to fight far-right extremism in all forms.
"Gotta do my part to stand against fascism, doc," said Conrad Thompson. "I know it shortens my lifespan, leads to increased cardiovascular health problems, and causes joint pain and inflammation, which makes my day-to-day life more challenging, but getting physically fit is the same, exact thing as being a Nazi. I don't want any part of that!"
Mr. Thompson's doctor was unable to see the correlation. "I've seen a lot of really out-of-shape fascists," said Dr. Tom Prichard. "In my decades of experience, there doesn't seem to be much of a link between political ideology and physical condition, though studies do seem to indicate that conservatives are far more attractive."
Though media reports have implied physical fitness coincides with a violent, dangerous right-wing philosophy, there is still no word on why liberals would want to inadvertently refer to themselves as fat and ugly. Conservatives, meanwhile, are willing to accept being called "radical extremists" if it means longer, happier, healthier lives.
At publishing time, Thompson made a solemn pledge to continue his crusade against right-wing extremism. "It's a war I'm honored to wage," he said. "‘Til my dying breath, which may or may not be this week, I'm going to keep pounding pizza, fried chicken, and Little Debbie snack cakes. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
