PHILADELPHIA, PA — NHL star Ivan Provorov declined to participate in the Philadelphia Flyers' Pride Night or wear a rainbow-colored jersey, saying if he wanted to support the gay agenda he would have played soccer instead of hockey.
"Listen, man, I got nothing against the gays," said Provorov to a crowd of outraged sports writers as the rest of his team pranced across the ice gracefully in their colorful outfits. "But I ain't wearing that thing. Let's leave all that gay stuff in soccer where it belongs. Also, I believe in God and stuff, and I don't want to disobey him, so there's that."
The sports world expressed unbridled outrage at the decision. "The lives of LGBTQ+ people are in danger unless everyone on earth affirms their sex lives by wearing the special uniform and saluting the special flag," said Sports Illustrated writer Gloop Schnixen (they/them) in an op-ed. "If Provorov refuses to show unquestioning fealty to our belief system, he is a fascist and must be punched until he complies."
Representatives for Major League Soccer confirmed that they celebrate Pride Night every night, and invited anyone who felt unwelcome in the NHL to attend one of their soccer games for free. So far, none have accepted the invite.
At publishing time, the NHL courted more controversy after several players refused to wear sparkly princess dresses on Trans-Awareness Night.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: