NEW YORK, NY — During a recent press conference, Mayor Eric Adams announced that he will no longer tolerate migrant attacks against NYPD officers, warning that further incidents would result in a downgrade in migrant living accommodations from luxurious 5-star hotels to humble 4-star establishments.
"We're sending a strong, clear message that we mean business," said Mayor Eric Adams sternly. "If you mess with New York's finest, you're going to have to have a slightly less luxurious stay."
"You can kiss those swan-shaped folded bath towels and mints on your pillow goodbye! That's how seriously we take protecting our boys in blue," added Mayor Adams. "No more Mr. Nice-Mayor! Gone are the days of hospitalizing local law enforcement by day and sleeping on 10,000 thread count Egyptian sheets by night!"
According to sources, many New Yorkers have heavily criticized the mayor's new proposal, calling it "a full-blown humanitarian crisis" and a "racist affront to migrant dignity".
"What's next? Taking away their brand new iPhones just because they torched a couple of cop cars?" said one disgruntled citizen. "These migrants just want to feed their families and assault cops without repercussion! What has happened to this once great city?"
At publishing time, Mayor Eric Adams was left with no choice but to threaten to take away the PS5s from any migrant who assaulted a cop.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
