NEW YORK, NY — In a controversial decision that has further divided an already fragmented nation, officials at New York City Hall have replaced the long-standing statue of Thomas Jefferson with a statue of Lizzo.

The highly publicized swap saw the statue of the nation's third president and prominent founding father, which has been present in City Hall since 1834, replaced by a new statue of the beloved singer, rapper, flutist, and twerker.

"This is a far more accurate depiction of where we are today," said Professor Blake Rumsey of the American Institute of America. "Everyone is tired of hearing about people like Thomas Jefferson and George Washington. What great things have they done in the last 200 years? Nothing! It's time to install a monument to someone who plays a much more prominent role in American society in 2024. Hence, Lizzo."

The music star, who also garnered attention in 2022 by playing the flute of Founding Father and fourth President of the United States James Madison, expressed tremendous pride in receiving the honor. "Move over, Tommy Jefferson! There's a new queen in town!" she said when the statue was unveiled. "I'm shinin,' ya'll. People think you have to be a certain way to become something important, but you just gotta be you. I don't even gotta try. I am my inspiration. Thick thighs save lives, ya'll!"

At publishing time, word had spread throughout economic circles about a sudden global shortage of bronze after an inordinate amount of material was needed to create the statue of Lizzo.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.