VANCOUVER, BC — This week, the Society For Prevention Of Cruelty To Celebrities (SPCC) launched a nationwide campaign to raise awareness about public figures buckling under a new expense that seems targeted specifically at them. The commercial advocates for compassionate viewers to donate $8 per month to sponsor a celebrity's verified blue checkmark on Twitter.
"Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan. Please say you will be the answer for an innocent celebrity who is suffering right now from this cruel tax designed to reduce the status of high-status people – the $8 monthly charge for a verified blue checkmark on Twitter." Sarah McLachlan delivers her appeal directly into the camera in the new commercial, gently cradling a scraggly and ill-kempt Stephen King as he moans quietly over the soft crooning of "In The Arms Of An Angel."
The commercial pans over several other destitute Twitter celebrities, including Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who holds out her hand with a poochie lip as the voiceover summarizes options for a one-time gift, monthly pledge, or ‘The AOC Package' – where you "pledge to make everything on Twitter free because, like, shouldn't it be about free speech anyways?"
As the commercial progresses, McLachlan enumerates the needs of wealthy online figures, including shelter, care, and being rescued from bullies who are making them pay a marginal amount for a marginal dose of online status. She even called out to "any widows who may be listening" by asking them to "step out on faith" and give their last $8 to a helpless Twitter celebrity stuck out in the cold.
Since the commercial's airing, $16 has been raised.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: