IRAQ - A shocking new discovery has reportedly shattered what everyone thought they knew about the biblical tale of Cain and Abel by suggesting Cain's rejected offering to the Lord God was none other than kale.
A peer-reviewed paper by Oxford archaeologist Dr. Wesley Wallace details the discovery of a stone etching depicting a piece of kale next to a frowny face. The carving itself dates to the 6th millennium BC. "The etching is a pictograph," said Dr. Wallace, who discovered it while on a dig in eastern Iraq. "The pictograph makes it very clear that kale is not appreciated."
"This changes everything!" said respected theologian Dr. James Van Der Beek. "The original reading of Genesis doesn't make it explicitly clear why God rejected Cain's offering. Now we know it's because Cain was trying to pass off disgusting kale as an offering because he didn't know what else to do with it."
"Kale is vile," continued Dr. Van Der Beek. "It is no wonder God spiritually cut off Cain's green thumbs so he'd be unable to farm. He had proven how reckless he was to harvest kale in the first place."
Experts speculate the depiction of "sad kale" was created by Cain as a farewell lament on his way to the land of Nod - a somber reminder that kale is an abomination unto the Lord.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.