U.S. — Dr. Anthony Fauci announced his impending retirement today while millions of beagle puppies ran for cover, hid under sofas, and cowered in fear.
"I'm not sure if this strange beagle phenomenon is related to Fauci's retirement and the abundant free time he'll soon have," said one beagle owner, "but as soon as the news hit CNN, my puppy dove through a glass window and flagged down a taxi and I haven't seen him since."
Experts who studied the incident theorize that beagle pups don't take kindly to being paralyzed and having their vocal cords sliced while carnivorous insects eat their faces and they slowly die in one of Fauci's NIH-funded labs. "Beagle puppies are selfish and don't care about the advancement of science," said one expert.
Sources say owners are being forced to coax their beloved pets from hiding places using treats, chew toys, and the calming reassurance that Dr. Fauci will never come to get them. "I have to remind my dog every 30 minutes just to keep her sane," said one owner.
At publishing time, Fauci promised the beagle community he would not harm them as he is now into torturing baby lemurs instead.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
