SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In his quest to find someone worthy of running Twitter after he steps down, Elon Musk announced this week that he has hidden five golden tickets in Tesla cars around the world. Each golden ticket winner will be given a lifetime subscription to Twitter Blue and a tour of the legendary Twitter headquarters.
"Five lucky boys or girls will get to come and see the chocolate fountains, the wine on tap, and the meditation rooms of Twitter! It's a world of pure imagination!" announced Musk. "I'll even let you touch the FBI files with your own two hands! But be careful to follow the rules while you're here, or it won't go well for you!"
Insiders claim that Musk plans a series of morality tests for the golden ticket winners in which he will determine who has the courage, integrity, and transparency to inherit his platform. Those who fail will be carried off by teams of tiny programmers as they sing a creepy song with a moral lesson about the importance of free speech.
"I look forward to meeting the winners. Hopefully, none of them are infected with the woke mind virus. That would suck. Good luck, everyone!" said Musk.
At publishing time, the FBI had confirmed they had miraculously found all five tickets.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
