WASHINGTON, D.C. — Newly released results of a medical exam proved what many had suspected for years, as an MRI confirmed that President Donald Trump suffers from incurable advanced-stage patriotism.
The results of the scan affirmed speculation that had run wild throughout the nation's capital and across the country for the last decade, with lawmakers and journalists alike alleging that Trump was riddled with love for America that had spread throughout his entire body.
"It's far more widespread than anyone thought," White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt told reporters in a briefing. "His liver, his lymph nodes, even in his bone marrow. President Trump's body has been fully consumed by patriotism. We've been informed by all medical experts that there is, in fact, no cure."
When asked directly about his condition, the president was blunt. "Nobody's got a case of this like mine," he told the media in brief comments in the Oval Office. "The doctor told me he's never seen anything like it. He said he was surprised I was still alive with how much of it I have everywhere in my body. It's like I'm superhuman, he said. That's what he told me. Most people wouldn't survive such a severe case of loving their country. It's just the way I am. I'm not like other men, believe me."
At publishing time, medical professionals issued a warning that President Trump's incurable, advanced-stage patriotism was likely to be dangerously contagious and could be spread to any people who spent time around him.
Heartwarming!
