WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a blow to the fight against the coronavirus pandemic, Moderna’s vaccine has now been rejected by the FDA. This was done because of a recommendation from the CDC, which found out that the Moderna vaccine is effective in preventing white people from getting COVID-19, something they’re concerned could increase racial inequality.
“The possibility that the vaccine could cause more white people to survive the novel coronavirus is just too risky,” said CDC spokesman Steve Coleman. “It’s almost like Moderna is one of those ‘All Lives Matter’ people. We’re telling them to go back to the drawing board, though, and make a racial justice vaccine that only works on minorities.”
There have been suggestions that when deciding who will receive the vaccine, doctors just shouldn’t give it to white people, but the CDC says that still leaves too much of a risk that white people will somehow obtain doses of the vaccine, as white people are “wily.” Video has already emerged of Mike Pence, a notoriously white man, getting the Pfizer vaccine.
The creation of a new vaccine that only works for minorities could take another year or more, during which most of the country will once again have to lock down. To help, the government will send out a new stimulus package of a check for twenty dollars and a coupon for Arby’s, though white people will only receive postcards telling them, “Check your privilege.”