WASHINGTON, D.C. — Senator Mitch McConnell voted "No" for the confirmation of Tulsi Gabbard, followed by a "Yes" vote for the sweet release of death.
Though only able to communicate through various tones of muted garbling, aides stated that McConnell clearly voted against Gabbard and for the shedding of this mortal coil.
"Senator McConnell has made his choices known," said spokesman Daniel Macintosh. "He wishes to not see Gabbard as the next Director of National Intelligence, and he wishes to sashay off this planet as soon as possible. Put McConnell in the 'Aye' column for crossing the River Styx."
While many have questioned if McConnell can even communicate his preferences anymore, aides have sought to reassure the public. "If he does a high pitch garble and stares unblinking at the wall for a few minutes that's a 'No' vote," explained Macintosh. "If it's a low garble and he sort of crumples to the ground, that's a 'Yes.' We have a great system in place."
At publishing time, McConnell had made a low garble and fallen over to indicate that he indeed would like pudding for lunch.
Meet Devyn. The 16-year-old Chick-fil-A worker who has replaced the entire government.
