U.S. — Millions of homosexuals have reportedly starved to death after Colorado's Supreme Court affirmed the right of Jack Phillips to refuse to bake gay wedding cakes.
No homosexuals could be reached for comment because they are all tragically dead.
"After years of harassment I am finally free to just bake cakes," said Jack Phillips, a baker who first made headlines in 2017 for politely turning down a request to design a cake celebrating a person's gender transition. "I'm sorry this led to the death of millions but, honestly, I don't know why they were relying on me for food. There really are other bakeries out there."
Homosexuals, who can literally eat anything a normal person can, became addicted to Phillips' baked goods and refused to go anywhere else, sources say. When asked what made Phillips' food so special, they could not provide an answer. "I think we just crave what we can't have — which is also why we are gay," said Kevin "Jazzy" Lafarb, who starved to death this week.
Vice President Kamala Harris released a statement condemning the state of Colorado for upholding the right of Jack Phillips to not bake gay wedding cakes. "You just killed all my voters," she said.
At publishing time, Jack Phillips was refused food service by a Colorado liberal, but instead of starving to death he shrugged his shoulders and went next door to Denny's.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
