CHICAGO, IL — Following her inspiring speech last night about the evils perpetrated by wealthy people, Michelle Obama exited the Democratic National Convention stage on a palanquin with "Eat the Rich" emblazoned on it.
The beloved former first lady had just finished raking the wealthy over the coals to the delight of the crowd of supporters and delegates before climbing into the custom-made litter to be carried out on the shoulders of peasants.
"Come, slaves! Carry me out and do not make eye contact!" Michelle shouted as a group of servants scrambled onto the stage with the palanquin. "A feast of Wagyu beef and caviar awaits Barack and I, and we will not be one moment late. Chop chop!"
The Obamas drew rave reviews for their convention speeches, recounting the plight they have suffered at the hands of the rich elites of the world. "They were mesmerizing," said one DNC attendee. "Dressed in their designer clothing, fresh off their private jet flight from their expansive Martha's Vineyard estate, you could really hear the passion in their voices as they talked about the hardships endured by normal, poorer people. It was magic. Then, she floated away in her ‘Eat the Rich' palanquin borne on the backs of their indentured servants."
Michelle was later seen scolding the catering staff at the DNC for not having any bottles of Duckhorn 2018 Vintage Cabernet Sauvignon before ordering her hair stylist and personal assistant to duel with knives for her amusement.
At publishing time, the Obamas were in talks to extend their $100 million Netflix production deal to include the release of a documentary on the evils of being wealthy.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
