U.S. — Replacing the traditional categories of grains, vegetables, fruits, meat, dairy, and sweets comes a new pyramid with one distinct category: Goldfish.
"Years of malnourishment among the populace motivated us to update the food pyramid. We went back to the formula and re-examined everything in the light of our updated understanding of nutritional values," Dr. Toby Cram wrote in the abstract for his 20-page paper about the Toddler Food Pyramid entitled, "Goldfish Taste Good."
The updated food pyramid comes after years of study and deliberation among toddler scientists.
"Personally, I would prefer a food pyramid made out of Cheerios, but I can't deny the study's findings," said Dr. Sarah Hampton, an esteemed 3-year-old with PhDs in both Latent Pacifier Technology and Pre-Natal Nutrition. "Children raised on Goldfish Crackers grow up to be healthy, productive adults 100% of the time."
Based on the advice of toddler scientists, President Joe Biden will soon be announcing a mandate for public schools to exclusively serve Goldfish Crackers. "It's the snack that smiles back!" Biden said in a statement. "The snack that smiles back! Not a joke! It haunts my dreams."
At publishing time, toddler scientists had been accused of being under the influence of "Big Goldfish" after it was discovered Dr. Toby Cram had accepted gifts of significant monetary value from Pepperidge Farms.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
