SHELBIANA, KY — After months of searching, authorities have finally located 78-year-old Gale Ashworth, the only known living human who still thinks the Democrats are doing a great job governing the country.
"Oh yeah, Joe Biden and the Democrats are doing a real bang-up job, lemme tell you what," said Ashworth while putting a pinch of Skoal in her lower lip. "He's such a nice young man who always delivers my Social Security and Medicare checks on time, and my cable TV says this is the best economy ever!"
Ashworth then lit up a cigarette and turned on her oxygen tank.
Investigators say Ms. Ashworth was a secretary for her local KKK chapter before getting a job as a proud union steelworker for 40 years. After her retirement, she moved to a secluded cabin in the Appalachian mountains and remained there permanently. She interacts with the outside world only through her basic cable subscription and a broken radio that can only pick up NPR.
"Yep, it sure seems like things are going great!" she said to reporters. "That ol' Joe Biden might be the best President since Lyndon Johnson!"
At publishing time, Gale had submitted her Democrat mail-in ballot for what she anticipates will be a massive blue wave this year.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
