WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an emotional speech, Senator Mitch McConnell admitted he is no longer physically capable of serving in the United States Senate and so will continue serving in the Senate until the year 2027.
"It is incredibly difficult to acknowledge that I can simply no longer perform the duties of a Senator," said McConnell. "And so, it is with a heavy heart that I announce I will continue being a Senator for the next three years."
McConnell also confessed that he no longer had the capacity to serve as the Republican Party leader, and so would continue doing so until after an incredibly consequential election. "You have to know when to hang it up," said McConnell. "After several episodes of losing all mental functions including the ability to speak, I had to look in the mirror and recognize that my time was up. So, I'm going to keep doing the exact same job until right after an enormously important election, after which time I'll turn it over to someone who can still consistently speak in sentences."
At publishing time, President Biden had called McConnell to ask him why on earth he had decided to retire so young.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
