BROWNSVILLE, TX — Amid record-breaking illegal immigration at the southern border, President Biden arrived in Brownsville Texas to address his voters, who had crossed into the United States the previous night.

"Welcome, voters, make yourselves at home!" said Biden to a group of military-aged male Chinese nationals and a crowd of convicted felons from a maximum security Venezuelan prison. "My nurse Jill always says you people are unique breakfast tacos and I couldn't have said it better. We're excited for you to live here. You have plenty of great states to choose from, like Ohio, Pennsylvania, or any other crucial battleground states. I was... I... I..."

"... well, anyway."

The confused migrant crowd was then directed to a welcome station to receive their smartphones, visa gift cards, and mail-in ballots.

Trump, who also visited the border today, was quick to condemn Biden's speech and his handling of the border. "Biden is possibly the worst president of any country in the history of the world, or maybe even the entire universe, and maybe all the other universes as well, possibly," said Trump to reporters. "He is going to destroy this country unless he's stopped by people buying my new Trump sneakers. Look at these beautiful gold sneakers. They're the greatest sneakers ever made. So, so beautiful."

Following the Biden border visit, the White House confirmed that there is no crisis at the border. "Everything is fine and there are no illegal immigrants," said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean Pierre. "There is no crisis and Biden is doing a great job and he's very smart and sharp and mentally with it and you are a racist."

At publishing time, illegal immigrant support for Biden increased another 33 points.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.