NASHVILLE, TN — A horrifying incident took place last night, as conservative media personality Matt Walsh claims he was violently assaulted by drag queens outside a local Subway restaurant. According to Walsh, his attackers hurled the hateful "cis" slur at him and shouted, "This is Pride country!"
"It was terrifying," Walsh said with tears in his eyes. "They stepped out of the dark alley next to the restaurant. They were wearing huge, hot pink wigs and fake eyelashes. One of them was wearing a Hillary Clinton ‘But Her Emails' hat. I asked them two questions, ‘Who are you?' and ‘What is a woman?' Then they knocked my cold cut combo out of my hand and started calling me ‘cis.' I had hoped we had advanced far enough as a culture to not use hate speech like that anymore. It's a sad commentary on where we are as a country."
Walsh was visibly shaking as he recounted the incident. "I get hungry late at night sometimes, and I keep hearing the word ‘sub' a million times a day now on the news, so I stopped by Subway for a sandwich. I expected barely edible bread and way too much lettuce. I did not expect to have my life threatened by cisphobic bigots."
When police responded to Walsh's call, he was still wearing the rainbow feather boa he said the attackers placed around his neck. When reached for comment, a police department spokesperson said an investigation is ongoing.
At publishing time, Walsh had denied allegations that he fabricated the incident or that his attackers were actually Jeremy Boreing and Ben Shapiro in wigs.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.