WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressman Adam Schiff was left in wide-eyed shock after the House of Representatives voted to censure him for lying to the American people about Trump/Russia collusion.
"How could they do this to me?" said Schiff, his eyes as wide as saucers. "Sending me a formal letter of disapproval is a brazen attack on our holy democracy! I never thought this would happen! Putin has struck again! I have proof!"
Sources close to Schiff confirmed the representative is still holding his head high in spite of the black mark on his record, and in spite of the abnormally large size of his head and comically small width of his neck. "We will strike back against this shameful censure by the Nazi MAGA Republicans in the house," said a goggle-eyed Schiff. "They won't get away with this. Our eyes are wide open. Very wide open."
Republicans are celebrating the measure, saying this will help discourage politicians from misusing intelligence resources to deceive the American people again — or at least do a good job of serving up some red meat for their reelection campaigns.
UPDATE: Sources have confirmed that Congressman Schiff is not actually wide-eyed in shock; that's just his face.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
