MARGARITAVILLE — Authorities in Margaritaville have called for all the tiny drink umbrellas to be flown at half-staff today in honor of the late Mayor, Mr. Jimmy Buffett.
"If it were possible to have a sad day in Margaritaville, today would be the day," said the announcement. "All we ask is that everyone fly their drink umbrella at half-staff and order a cheeseburger with lettuce and tomato, Heinz 57 and french-fried potatoes."
According to locals, Mr. Buffett passed away at five o'clock - at least, five o'clock somewhere. "Alright, let's all pour something tall and strong," said local man Alan Jackson. "You know what? Make it a hurricane. Everyone's welcome to sail in today -- just keep it between the navigational beacons."
At publishing time, sources report that Mr. Buffett had finally been reunited with his lost shaker of salt.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
