CHICAGO, IL — Local man John Archer has decided to resume wearing a mask in order to let everyone around him know he's terrible at risk analysis.
"I can't stress enough how truly awful I am at understanding risks and benefits," said Mr. Archer. "I just want everyone, even complete strangers, to immediately know that about me."
Mr. Archer stated that wearing a mask has been a game-changer for communicating his mental deficiency. "It's really nice that right from the outset, people know a portion of my brain doesn't function," said Mr. Archer. "If I immediately set the expectation when I meet someone that my decisions will be devoid of rationality, it isn't a surprise later on. Thanks, mask!"
Before masks, Mr. Archer had previously communicated his poor risk analysis by wearing goggles in the shower. "All it takes is one drop of shampoo," said Mr. Archer. "For years, I have advocated that doctors deny service to anyone who wasn't wearing goggles and got shampoo in their eyes. If you want to take the risk of showering without goggles, it's your funeral - but no one else should have to suffer."
At publishing time, Mr. Archer had donned his mask before hopping on his motorcycle to go grab some gas station sushi.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.