ALBERT LEA, MN — Sources close to local man Payton Martin allege that he used to be a fun, carefree young man who loved getting fun gifts for Christmas — and who was "super sad and disappointed" when he opened a big package under the Christmas tree only to find that it was a pack of socks.
Now, Martin feels a little pang of sadness and disappointment when he doesn't receive socks for Christmas, witnesses say.
"Yeah, cool, another video game. Yay," he said when he opened a copy of God of War Ragnarök. "That's, uh, that's the last gift? Cool. Nothing else?"
When his wife confirmed that was the last present he would be receiving this Christmas, Martin said he was "feeling tired" and just needed to lie down for a bit. He went to his room and looked out the window at the snow. "You know what would feel really nice right now? A nice, warm, new pair of socks," he said to himself, the depressing melancholy of the holidays beginning to press in on him.
Sources say he brightened up considerably later in the afternoon when his parents dropped by and gifted him with a handy roll of duct tape.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
