SEATTLE, WA — Local man Harry Bonds had chopped his balls off and changed his name to "Maxxine" to avoid the draft, only to find out that women will now be drafted and all his efforts were for naught.
"Boy, do I feel silly," said Bonds after seeing the news. "Really wishing I hadn't cut my dong off now."
According to sources, Bonds had received his registration for Selective Service, but quickly realized he could avoid any chance of being drafted if he simply said he was a chick. "Man, did this backfire," sighed Bonds. "I go to all the trouble to inject myself with hormones and castrate myself, only for the government to say we're going to start drafting women. Feels a little foolish now, I have to admit."
Hundreds of men across the country expressed similar regrets over mutilating themselves to avoid compulsory military service, only for the military to start forcing women into combat. "All those wigs and injected hormones, down the drain," said local man Dean Manafort. "Ugh, and now everything I own is in this stupid name 'Jilliano' I made up. Hindsight, am I right?"
At publishing time, several men had called up their gender surgeons to ask if they could please have their dongs back.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
