CHINO, CA—Local man Brad Zwygart says he no longer can form opinions of his own, as he always waits to see what major corporate brands have to say on any given issue before he decides what he believes.
Zwygart says he holds off on all thought-forming activity when first encountered with an issue. His first stop? Social media, so he can see what all the billion-dollar corporations believe, since they're clearly moral authorities on all major issues.
"I'm not sure what to believe about the trans movement. Let's see what Oreo has to say," he said yesterday as he pulled out his smartphone. "Oh, lookie here -- trans people exist. Perfect!" He then checked other corporate brand accounts out to find out what he should believe about gun control, BLM, the minimum wage, and the Equality Act.
"Perfect. So much great corporate knowledge on here. Thanks, corporate brands!"
The man then put his phone away and took a sip of coffee, smiling as he looked out the window, content in the knowledge that he believed exactly what all the major U.S. corporations believe on everything.
At publishing time, Zwygart had begun refreshing Arby's Twitter feed to see what they had to say about the bombing of Syria.