OMAHA, NE — Sources close to Peter Wilfred report that the 30-year-old got down on his knees last Sunday to thank God that he wasn't like all the sorry churchgoers around him who can't sing a harmony.
Wilfred allegedly sent up his prayer of thanksgiving midway through the hymn of the day at Bethlehem Lutheran Church's late service shortly after he realized that literally everyone else around him was just singing the basic melody line along with the organ.
"I thank thee, my heavenly Father, that thou hast graciously allowed me to read music, not like these other sorry churchgoers whom thou hast surrounded me with," Wilfred reportedly prayed, his eyes gently shining as he gazed heavenward. "And I praise thee that thou hast granted me an excellent tenor voice with which I may praise thee by singing the harmony, unlike everyone else here who can barely sustain the melody."
"Oh Lord, open my lips, and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise," Wilfred finished briefly, peeking around to see if anyone had noticed his piety.
Wilfred then arose and continued to demonstrate his vocalic virtuosity by nailing a high E flat, unlike the other stumps around him who were stuck singing the regular old soprano line.
At publishing time, God had graciously flattened Wilfred's pride by allowing him to hear that he had been singing out of tune all this time.
Brynnleigh is on a mission to stop America from becoming… well, America.
