CHICAGO, IL — Following a deluge of allegations of racist hiring practices to fill city official jobs, Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson issued a statement insisting that he had never once discriminated against white-boy honky crackers.
Mayor Johnson's statement came on the heels of a tumultuous few days in which he seemed to publicly acknowledge favoring minority candidates over whites for prominent public jobs, accusations he now denies while voicing support for pasty peckerwoods everywhere.
"I've never made judgements based on the skin color of redneck whiteys," Johnson said in the statement. "Yes, I made the statement that I look to black people to fill certain positions due to how loving and generous we are, but that in no way should indicate any discriminatory views on my part toward no-good white-trash hillbillies."
Johnson said the mere implication that he held any prejudice against whites was offensive to him. "The people making these allegations obviously don't know me or what I'm about," he continued. "I am the fairest and most just judge of a person's character, no matter whether they are black, Hispanic, Middle-Eastern, Asian, or even Jimmy-crack-corn mayo-honky blue-eyed devils. I resent these accusations and take great offense at such deplorable allegations, which I can only assume were made by whiteys."
At publishing time, the U.S. Department of Justice had reportedly opened an investigation into Mayor Johnson's office and its hiring practices, which Johnson said he would be more than happy to cooperate with as long as it wasn't being led by any dirty Caucasians.
Brynnleigh is on a mission to stop America from becoming… well, America.
