GRASS VALLEY, CA—In response to a record of nearly 10 deaths that could possibly relate to the use of e-cigarettes and vaping, lawmakers in multiple states have begun introducing legislation to curb what has clearly become an epidemic.
“The only option here is to enact a new law restricting what people can do with their own bodies!” New York Governor Andrew Cuomo announced while signing off on a state-wide ban on flavored e-cigarettes. He then left to give a speech on the importance of protecting a woman’s right to tear her unborn child to pieces.
Meanwhile, the California state legislature nearly outlawed all forms of vaping after spinning their giant “Wheel of Banning” to determine which activity would be legally prohibited this week. However, they had to spin again after the wheel landed between “Vaping” and “Driving P.T. Cruisers.”
Nathan Quandt is a former e-cigarette user from Grass Valley, CA. Like many others, he recently made the transition to tobacco cigarettes after learning about the immediate dangers of vaping.
“Since tobacco products are all still legal, they must be a much safer alternative,” Quandt said while deeply inhaling some nourishing cigarette fumes. “Obviously, the government would only take action if this was a true crisis, and not because of some arbitrary reason like bandwagoning or virtue-signaling!”
“Thanks to my three daily packs of American Spirits, I was able to give up such a dangerous and unhealthy lifestyle very quickly and easily!”
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.