LOS ANGELES, CA—After a long battle with cancer, local man Gary Trimble was given mere days to live earlier this week, prompting the man to reminisce to friends and family about his life and express his greatest regrets.
As his family gathered around him in his last moments, an emotional Trimble said that his most painful regret was not spending more time arguing on Facebook. While he also felt sorry for not getting in heated Twitter debates and dunking on his ideological foes with “savage” subtweets more often, his greatest regret was wasting his life doing productive things rather than trolling Facebook spoiling for a fight all day long.
“You just never know how much time you have, so make sure you spend it on Facebook debating important things like politics, religion, and Star Wars films,” he said before whispering that he’d like a glass of water. “It’s really important to spend quality time blasting acquaintances from high school on their horrible opinions in all capital letters, pretty much all day long.”
Trimble stated that while he did try his best to argue on Facebook from time to time, he often lost sight of what was really important, becoming distracted by spending time with his friends and family in real life “way too much.”
“You always think to yourself, ‘I can put off that Facebook debate on paedobaptism until tomorrow,’ but you may only have today,” he added. “Make it count.”
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.