SHAWNEE, KS—After attending a particularly powerful missionary presentation at his church last week, Mark Gerber, 21, reportedly felt an undeniable burning in his bosom—which he took to be a sign of God’s unmistakable calling for him to become a pastor. Unbeknownst to Gerber, however, the deluxe enchiladas he had consumed at lunch contained a large amount of tainted shredded beef, which was the actual source of the deep and powerful feeling within his bowels.
“I just know I’m called to ministry. It’s the craziest thing, like something new and special was placed inside me, something that definitely wasn’t there before lunchtime,” Gerber was overheard excitedly telling a group of friends engaged in small talk after the event. “I’m just so thankful God revealed His will to me in such a clear, precise way.”
As the crowds died down, Gerber solemnly approached lead pastor Frank Culver to tell the older man about the visceral sensation slowly spreading throughout his chest and abdominal region. When the pastor told Gerber he looked a little pale and, coupled with his considerable cramping, likely meant he should consider finding an urgent care facility in the region right away, Gerber vomited all over the pastor’s shoes and collapsed onto the floor, according to reports coming out of the church.
“This happens from time to time,” Culver told reporters after the incident. “Just last month, our choir’s lead soprano felt sure God wanted her to start an orphanage in sub-Saharan Africa, only to find out her calling was in fact the aftermath of consuming undercooked poultry. If you think your ministry is messy, you didn’t see the custodial staff trying to get the stain of her calling out of the carpet.”
After Gerber recovered from the illness which lasted several days, he realized he possessed neither the desire nor qualifications necessary to head into the ministry, though he claims the call to ministry returns to him from time to time—usually after ordering off Taco Bell’s breakfast menu.