HUMBLEVILLE, TX—Local man Craig Trudeau gave thanks to the good Lord above today that he's an American so he doesn't have to pretend to care about the royal family at all.
Trudeau said he is extremely humbled and grateful to have been born in the best country ever created by God, especially because it means he doesn't have to care about Meghan Markle or Prince Harry.
"Lord, thank you that I was born in your chosen country of America, so that I don't have to give a wooden nickel about whoever this prince and princess or king or duke or whoever they are," he said Monday as he cleaned his AR-15 and shot off fireworks in front of his house, because he lives in America and so can do whatever he wants. "George Washington didn't die for me in the American Revolution just so that I would go back and have to worry about this 'royal couple' or whatever they think they are."
"Thank you, Lord Jesus. And thank you for making us your chosen people. Amen."
One woman in the supermarket asked Trudeau what he thought about Oprah's interview with the royal couple. "Don't care," he replied. "This is America, ma'am, and if you care about that kind of thing, we'll push you into Boston Harbor."