YONKERS, NY—Local man Kyle Peterson finally and miraculously awoke out of a year-long coma Thursday, stating he was excited to see how much humanity had accomplished since he hit his head riding his bike in October of last year.
“I can’t wait to catch up on all my favorite actors, political pundits, and comedians,” he told his family, who reportedly shot knowing looks at each other. “Oh man, I’ve got a whole season of House of Cards to catch up on! I love Kevin Spacey!”
“By the way, how is Hillary doing in the White House? I’m sure she’s doing great,” he added hopefully.
Peterson was especially eager to be brought up to speed on how the situation with North Korea has been improving, how the women’s rights movement has been accelerated by Hollywood’s liberal activism, and how soon the nation expected peace to be achieved in the Middle East.
“While my injury was tragic, it’s actually pretty cool to go to sleep for a whole year and be able to catch up on a whole calendar year’s astounding progress,” he said.
According to those close to the situation, the family told Peterson they weren’t going to break all the “good news” to him all at once, stating the excitement of how much humanity has accomplished in a whole year would be too much for him in his weak state.
At publishing time, Peterson had excitedly asked how well Zack Snyder’s new Justice League film was being received by critics.
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