PEORIA, IL — Rather than going through the unmitigated awkwardness of sharing the gospel with his coworker Brad, local man Dave Cannon has instead quit his job and become a missionary to a remote village in Africa.
"Look, I knew how offended he would be, and it would have been so weird at the office," explained Mr. Cannon. "So, I gladly gave up all my worldly possessions and travelled across the ocean to share with everyone I meet how Jesus has saved me - just not with Brad."
Like most humans, Mr. Cannon found the idea of talking about Jesus to a neighbor or co-worker infinitely more terrifying than talking to someone from a tribe he's never encountered. "Neighbors are so scary," said Mr. Cannon as he threw a viper out of his mosquito net. "Once you actually engage in that first real conversation, there's no going back to the days of waving as you close the garage door. You never know what you might have just signed up for, and then you're stuck forever. I'll take my chances with malaria, thank you very much."
Mr. Cannon had reportedly tried on a couple of occasions to at least broach the topic of church, but ended up chickening out like a total wimp. "My heart would start racing just at the thought of telling Brad what I actually do on Sunday," said Mr. Cannon. "I would feel the Holy Spirit pushing me to simply be open with Brad about how God has changed me. And in response, I sold my house and moved to Zambia. I think I made the right call."
At publishing time, Mr. Cannon had finished reading about Jonah and decided to go back home to tell Brad about Jesus before the Lord chucked him into the ocean to be swallowed by a huge freaking fish.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: