CAMBRIDGE, MA — Former Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot has begun lecturing Harvard University students on the importance of catching "raw, wriggly, delicious fishes so tasty sweet, yes good precious" amid sharp political divisions, and rising misinformation.
"Studentses keep spoiling sweet juicy fishes, precious!" said Professor Lightfoot. "Spoiling nice fish, scorching it, they RUINS IT!"
Dean Underhill expressed gratitude that the disgraced politician was now free to share her passions and expertise with Harvard students. "Maybe she doesn't deserve it, but now that I see her, I do pity her," he said. "So, naturally, I offered her a teaching position."
Students were eager to sign up for a course taught by an inspirational leader and self-identified girl boss, but have come away disappointed that the entire class consists of watching Lightfoot grab wriggling fish out of a bucket, slam their heads on a desk, and eat them raw in front of everybody.
"It's hard to take notes when you're not sure what's going to be on the test," said one student. "If we try to ask questions she sort of hisses and skitters into the shadows. Not fun."
The course syllabus details the best pools for fishing, how to lose your humanity and become one with the darkness so that fish don't notice you, and how to hide the precious from tricksy hobbitses.
At publishing time, Harvard campus police reported a 92% increase in drive-by shootings shortly after Lightfoot arrived.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
