PALM BEACH, FL — Following the destruction caused by Hurricane Ian, Governor Ron DeSantis has issued a stark warning against all would-be looters hoping to pillage the vulnerable state. This message, however, has not stopped what appears to be a large group of heavily armed looters wearing FBI patches from swooping in and attempting to ransack Mar-A-Lago once again.
"They came in a tremendous fury, tearing up the place looking for precious loot to steal from everyone's favorite President," said Trump recalling his encounter with the looters. "But I could clearly tell they were FBI agents from their amateur, cheap disguises — truly pathetic, believe me. And the cowards had the audacity to lie to me when I confronted them over it."
The FBI was quick to deny Trump's claim.
"Who us? We're definitely not politicized FBI agents sent here to raid Trump's home — we're uh, we're looters, you see," said the FBI agent struggling to cover up his badge. "And we're, uh, here to take all your stuff, but not because we're looking for dirt on you or anything, but because we wanna loot you and steal your riches and stuff."
According to sources, the pretend looters didn't even go for Trump's unlocked safe filled with solid gold bars, instead, the agents looted Trump's hard drives and file cabinets. Many onlookers wondered why they were even there, as Mar-A-Lago wasn't even damaged by the hurricane and all the looters are supposed to be looting on the west coast.
At publishing time, Trump announced on Truth social that he now knows for a fact it was the FBI who raided him again because the "looters" got away with Melania's entire closet, nightstand, and even her makeup drawer.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
