MARTINSBURG, WV—According to sources close to local man Jason Fichtner, the gamer, husband, and father of three bid his family a fond farewell as a new Fallout game, Fallout 76, was announced by Bethesda Softworks today.
Gathering his family in close, Fichtner whispered a tearful, heartfelt goodbye as he prepared to depart for the post-apocalyptic wastelands of America for anywhere between 500 and 600 hours.
“I’m going to miss you guys so much,” he said, hugging his wife and pulling his kids into his arms. “Daddy has to go away for a while to take care of some raiders, radroaches, bloatflies, and of course, the dreaded deathclaws.”
“Do you really have to go?” his wife asked as she begged him to stay for a little while longer. “When you went to Skyrim back in 2011 you didn’t return for, like, 3 years.” But the man wouldn’t be deterred, gently reminding his wife that if he didn’t save the wastelands from the warring factions waiting for him, no one would.
Fichtner reportedly packed plenty of supplies for his journey, including a 12-pack of Mountain Dew and a family fun pack of puffy Cheetos, before powering on his computer and beginning a “dry run” of Fallout: New Vegas to prepare for the upcoming game.