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Local Family Looks Forward To New Church Solving All Their Problems

JACKSON, MI—The Connelly family has had lots of problems at the church they've attended for the past five years, from poor coffee offerings to sermons that make them feel uncomfortable some times.

But all their luck is about to change: the Connellys have left their small but faithful congregation for a sprawling new megachurch in their area, and they're "very excited" for their new church to solve all of their material problems.

"It's a new start for all of us," Jim Connelly told reporters. "And once we're attending at least monthly and sending our kids to their exciting youth programs, all our problems will just solve themselves. We'll barely have to parent anymore."

It's not just earthly problems that their new church will solve: the Connellys are confident that all their spiritual problems will go away too. They say that their previous church had faithful Bible preaching week in and week out, but they "weren't feeling fed."

"All of our sin was really our pastor's fault for not feeding us the exact spiritual meal we wanted on a given day," Heather Connelly said. "At this new church, their exciting illustrations and movie clips will instantly eradicate any sin in our lives."

At publishing time, the Connellys had attended a lone Wednesday night Bible study and found their problems not yet solved, so decided to change their new church home to a competing megachurch across town, confident the move would solve all their problems this time.