PHOENIXVILLE, PA — Local man Todd Longwood, 40, was shocked to discover that the list of side effects from the new drug Relievitol perfectly described a typical day in his life.
"I was watching TV with my wife when the list of symptoms caught my attention," Longwood noted. "Headache, back pain, nausea, diarrhea, hair loss, frequent urination, depression, confusion, eye strain, irritability, and hearing loss…that's a typical Tuesday afternoon for me!"
Longwood said he was initially excited to learn more about the drug, as he mistakenly thought the list of side effects was the list of ailments that the drug was intended to treat. "I thought they finally made a drug to treat my symptoms as a 40-year-old dad," he noted. "But I did some research and learned that was actually just the list of side effects."
A spokesman for Toxico, the drug company that makes Relievitol, confirmed that the drug was actually developed to prevent foot cramps. "Our target market is people over age 70 who experience mild-to-moderate foot cramping more than once a week," he stated. "Our research found that most of these folks have been dealing with these side effects for 30+ years, so they don't mind at all."
At publishing time, the spokesman confirmed that Toxico is developing another new drug to counteract the side effects of Relievitol. "So far, that drug has only produced very minor side effects like blood clots and myocarditis," he noted.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.