DENVER, CO — Liberal parents Krystle and Gary Brennson were devastated yesterday by the discovery of a secret stash of JK Rowling's books underneath the bed of their teenager, Grypheni (they/them).
According to the shocked, sorrowing parents, the stack of paperback Harry Potter books looked like it had been secretly thumbed through for at least a year, and the binding was especially creased at pages describing transphobic characters and scenes.
"We never thought they'd be exposed to this sort of material," sniffled Krystle, dabbing at her eyes with the corner of her "Black Lives Matter" t-shirt. "I just can't believe they would betray our trust by wallowing in this sort of depraved, twisted filth. No child should have experience with explicitly transphobic works like that steaming garbage."
According to Gary, the Rowling books seem to have already turned his child's head.
"They've been completely corrupted," Gary said. "It's like a gateway drug — first Rowling, and now they're dressing in gender-binary-affirming jeans. Every time I'd knock on their door, I'd hear a guilty start and the book slamming shut hastily, and then they'd come out with a huge red face. I caught three server requests for the Daily Wire on our internet firewall last night. It's just so disappointing to see my child doing this to themself."
At publishing time, the Brennson parents' fears had only grown after finding a Bible hidden in their child's pillowcase.
Starbucks employees are fed up and taking matters into their own hands.
