PHOENIX, AZ — A new historic milestone was reached this week as failed gubernatorial hopeful and current Senate candidate Kari Lake announced her plan to lose another election but this time while supporting baby murder.
Now a veteran of losing elections, Lake had been on the lookout for fresh and creative ways to pull out a devastating loss from what seemed to be a clear path to victory. Publicly calling on conservative legislators to repeal a 19th-century abortion ban for which she had previously voiced support gave her just the opportunity she needed.
"I'm an innovator," Lake said in a statement to the media. "I'm tired of losing elections in the same old hum-drum way. This time, I really want to leave my mark. That's why I've decided to not only lose this upcoming election, but do it while supporting the unconscionable act of people murdering their own children. If I'm going to lose, I want it to be big."
Lake waded into the heated controversy swirling around the abortion topic, which Democrats have begun to position as the central issue of the November elections. Conservative voters expressed confusion over Republican candidates' waffling. "Wait, they say they want to win, then they come out against stuff their voters want? I don't get it," said one bewildered Arizona Republican voter. "I want people who have ‘America First' values… but baby murder? No. No, I don't want that at all. Let's not do that."
At publishing time, Lake's campaign was reportedly planning a failsafe backup strategy that would have her voicing public support for ISIS to ensure she would never, ever win an election.
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