WASHINGTON, D.C.—Vice presidential candidate Kamala Harris wasted no time getting to work on the Biden campaign. In fact, she was seen on security cameras this morning planting weed on Mike Pence in order to disqualify him for running for office again.
Many have speculated on what Harris's strategy would be to take down her vice-presidential opponent. Some said she would throw him in jail for trumped-up truancy violations and then make him work on her campaign, while others said she'd perform a no-knock raid in the middle of the night and "accidentally" shoot him and a few dogs for good measure. But it appears she's chosen the classic strategy of planting weed on his person.
DEA agents frisked Mike Pence and found the marijuana shortly after an old, confused-sounding man called in an anonymous tip to check his suit pocket for the drug.
"What -- how'd that get in there?" a sweating Pence said nervously as DEA agents questioned how he got the weed. "I've never injected so much as a single joint of marijuana in my life! No, siree. Heaven forbid! Golly gee willikers!"
Officers obtained a urine sample, but Pence was negative for the drug, though he did have dangerously high levels of root beer in his system. "Yes, I drink root beer from time to time -- it's a problem I've long struggled with. And I've never tried to hide that."
"Fine, you got away with it this time," growled one special agent as Pence was let out of his handcuffs. "But be warned: we're watching you, bub."
Her plan foiled, Harris was last seen dangling from the White House ceiling like that scene in Mission: Impossible, trying to plant a brick of cocaine on Donald Trump.