WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, Vice President Kamala Harris became distraught this weekend after discovering that the president admitted to hospice was only Jimmy Carter. Harris, who has been waiting patiently for Joe Biden to die, fought back tears of disappointment when she discovered the current sitting president was alive and well, albeit in Ukraine.
Harris reportedly spent $200 on a flower arrangement for Biden's bedside that she now has no use for.
"President Carter is 98 years old, which means he is almost dead," Harris explained upon hearing the news. "That is 18 years older than President Biden. That is old. Old people die. Die starts with the letter 'D.' Biden is still alive. HA HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE HO HO!"
Kamala then broke down crying as her hopes of being President were dashed once again.
At publishing time, Harris put in a call to Putin and strongly hinted that now would be a great time to bomb Kyiv.
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