KABUL - This week, Afghanistan's Ministry of Culture announced that the annual Pride Month Parade in their nation's capital will be canceled. A state spokesperson acknowledged that this was due to concerns that no gay citizens would show up for their special event.
"Our disappointment is great. We hoped this parade could help us identify and…honor…these wretched infidels...these members of our brave LGBTQ community!" Mr. Achmechehed Abinidaub spoke to reporters from the capitol steps in Kabul in his official capacity as Taliban spokesperson. "We like to celebrate the gays right off the roof sometimes - I mean, celebrate them on the roof! With a big gay party!"
Reporters have said that Mr. Abinidaub struggled to wipe a wolfish grin off his face when describing how he didn't want the country's "valued gays" to miss any of the "special festivals and ceremonies and…events" the Taliban had planned for the Pride Month Parade.
Critics have expressed doubt about the Taliban's intention in rounding up LGBT civilians, citing the Taliban's "long and reprehensible string of human rights abuses." However, during a recent press conference, U.S. Secretary of State Antony J. Blinken countered their arguments with the official government stance regarding the terrorist group in power: "We trust the Taliban to uphold its commitments on women and minorities, counterterrorism, and forming an inclusive government…" Eyewitnesses say that Blinken put on a literal blindfold after giving his statement, to ensure the U.S. State Department did not see anything that would elicit a need for U.S. re-engagement in Afghanistan.
At publishing time, a citizen who had not yet heard of the event's cancellation was found wearing nothing but a rainbow flag in the city's capital but has since become unavailable for comment.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.