NEW YORK — A representative from the U.S. Department of Justice assured the American public that music mogul-turned-sex trafficking suspect Sean "Diddy" Combs had been securely locked away in Jeffrey Epstein's old prison cell.
"There's nothing to worry about," said Attorney General Merrick Garland. "We've placed Mr. Combs in a very... special cell."
Diddy was reportedly transferred from his cell in Brooklyn's Metropolitan Detention Center to the same cell Jeffrey Epstein occupied at the Metropolitan Correctional Center in New York City earlier this week so that prison officials could keep a closer eye on him.
"It's a far more secure cell," said Steve Waylon, the United States Attorney for the Southern District of New York. "No one's coming out of there alive."
Epstein has been the subject of conspiracy theories ever since he famously killed himself in 2019 just as two cameras positioned outside his cell malfunctioned. Prison officials stated confidently that they've learned from their mistakes.
"We removed the malfunctioning cameras," Warden Jessie Jeeves explained. "And we got rid of the prison guards, too. That way no one can accuse us of killing him."
When asked to clarify what updated CCTV cameras may have replaced the existing system, the warden simply said, "Yes."
At publishing time, Diddy had reportedly been taken off of suicide watch so he could have some alone time.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
