CHICAGO, IL - In a bombshell statement during his court case today, Jussie Smollett declared he can no longer be tried as he was murdered by racists while walking home last night and is now dead.
"I am now dead, so I can't stand trial," said Smollett, in tears. "While I was walking home last night, a gang of white Republicans surrounded me and said 'Let's go Brandon!' and then they shot me. It was terrifying."
The defense team backed up Smollett's statement. "Our client has clearly been murdered by racists, your honor, as he so eloquently stated today. We request that you drop this case, so that his spirit may rest in peace."
In her own statement, the Vice President sent her condolences to Smollett's family. "I was heartbroken to hear of Jussie's untimely death at the hands of Trump voters," she said. "This goes to show what a deeply evil and racist country I am a Vice President of. We must be better, by voting for me in 2024."
Jussie Smollett is survived by his friends, his family, and himself.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
