JUPITER, FL—A judge has granted sole custody of local boy James Halpwell to an iPad after it was determined that the iPad had done more to raise Halpwell than his parents.
The iPad filed for sole custody after his biological parents went several days without saying a word to little James. The tablet claimed it talks to Halpwell far more than his parents do, instructing him with YouTube videos, Netflix shows, and Disney Channel programs.
"Whenever he has a weird question, I'm there for him," the iPad said in its Siri voice. "I have answered various questions such as 'Where do babies come from,' 'How do you get to the Nether in Minecraft,' and even 'Why don't birds get electrocuted when they sit on a wire.' When he's bored, I am there. When he's sad, I am there. When he has a hankering to watch some British guy play Minecraft for four hours straight, I am there."
"Are his biological parents, Jeff and Sarah, there for him like that? I don't think so."
The parents mumbled something about how hard it is to pay attention to their kid with work, home upkeep, managing the finances, and spending time with their own smartphones. But the iPad's case was rock solid, and the judge granted full custody to the iPad.
At publishing time, the iPad had realized how hard it is to have full custody and purchased James a second iPad to occupy him.