APACHE JUNCTION, AZ—Local junior higher Seth Overstreet announced Sunday morning he is now a staunch biblical literalist after discovering Paul's command to greet one another with a holy kiss in the sixteenth chapter of Romans.
Overstreet confirmed that a strict literal interpretation of the Bible is the only orthodox position and reached the inevitable conclusion that the girls in his youth group are compelled by the Word of God to greet him with a holy kiss.
"I just really think we need to take the Bible seriously and greet one another with a holy kiss," he told the youth pastor as he gazed across the room at eighth grader Jenny Olsen. "If we don't take the Bible literally, are we any better than the heathens?"
"I don't condone namby-pamby progressivism that denies the literal interpretation of this passage. Such people are in danger of hell fire and not getting kissed by Jenny," he added.
The boy's newfound hermeneutical position was reaffirmed upon his discovery of Song of Solomon.